god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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