I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
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it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
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How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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