Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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