Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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