There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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