Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
