I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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