I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The uberlube is also flammable
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
