Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
