If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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