ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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