Moan for me like Helen Keller
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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