69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
