Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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