It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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