Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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