kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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