You can't special order awesome
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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