Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
