i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The struggles of a small town man whore
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
