Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.