So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.