dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
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