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• (512): View more from Texas

  Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number

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• (512): View more from Texas

  I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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  17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court

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• (631): View more from New York

  well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

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• (775): View more from Nevada

  How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy

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• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.

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• (816): View more from Missouri

  Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.

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  These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.

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• (712): View more from Iowa

  You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.

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• (850): View more from Florida

  I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.

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• (352): View more from Florida

  This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.

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• (320): View more from Minnesota

  I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.

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