Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
