Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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