Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
