So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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