god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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