i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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