I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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