She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
