The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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