Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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