1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
