Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
