I'm drive I can fine osifer
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
