we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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