I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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