Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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