Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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