running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
