I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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