hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
