how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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