WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
