I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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