This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
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HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
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I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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