I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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