Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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