Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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