I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
