there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
