oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
