MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
