life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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