I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
