I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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