it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
