Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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